God is with me

Today was pretty much like any other Sunday that we have had on this trip. I woke up in Minnesota with my Karen host family at 5am after having slept for 13 hours, which I am sure was due to jet lag. Around 8am my host family made breakfast. When we were finished Nay Htoo, the father of my host family, dropped me off for church. I spent the better part of my day sharing stories from Thailand while taking part in the services at First Baptist St. Paul. After church my host family took my teammate Mike and I out to lunch and then we went back to the house for a few hours before we took off to the park to hang out and play volleyball with some of the people from the Karen church. After volleyball we came home and watched a movie together and then went to bed.

That is pretty much the play-by-play summary of my day, but through out the day there has been something hanging over my head. You see coming home is bitter sweet for me. It's not that I do not miss my family and friends because nothing is further from the truth, in fact I can't wait to see them and share with them all the stories of the trip as well as to hear theirs. But I know that when I go home something is going to be missing. Something is not going to be right. I know this because that is how I left it. In fact, this trip was a way for me to run away. Not that I wanted it to be that way, but that is the way it had to go down. Looking back I know leaving or running from my current situation was the right decision because at the time no one was ready to work through it, especially me. In fact, I still may not be ready to tackle the issue. I am unclear on what needs to be done. All I know is I most blindly follow God, which makes my homecoming next Monday the biggest x-file yet. All I know is that God isn't finished yet because in some mystic, unexplainable way my heart knows that among all the pain and tears there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel, but I must walk through the dark tunnel.

So I am in the States, more or less home. There is no more language barrier, I can once again carry on a conversation past "hello" and "thank you". There is more to eat than rice and noodles, although I feel God has developed a saddistic love with rice in my heart. In Thailand rice and I spent time together three times a day, every day. And I can once again call my family and talk whenever. With all these things to celebrate and be happy about, which I am, and if you saw me with my perfectly blended Starbucks coffee yesterday you would have no doubt, I am in Minnesota asking God what do you do when home-sweet-home does not seem so sweet any more and there seems to be so much darkness. And like the gentle Father that He is, He has grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes and this is what I hear him say; "Matt I know you are hurting. The pain is real and I am so sorry I never wanted to hurt you. But this pain will end because in me you are stronger and I know you will overcome it. So do not worry because I am with you and I will never let you fall because I love you." With these words I am able to take one more step, I am given the strength to live, not just breathe, but to truly live. I am in no way out of the darkness, but now I know God is here and it is going to hurt, but I know with Him soon I will xperience the marvelous light. And until then I will meet God in the darkness, because here among this trial He is molding me into a man after his own heart and there can be no greater reward.

So right now my life is far from being full of roses, but God is with me and I would ask for no better companion on this journey.