?’s

Before I left home, all my family, friends, and co workers had one question in as many forms as they could ask it. Why?

I was always quick with a response and always backed up my answers with “to Xperience missions”. Yet as the trip started, I too, asked Why? My questioning was made most apparent to me on what was supposed to be a day of enjoyment and relaxation, Xploring God’s world.

You see, I had already gone with the group to a refugee camp and met the Karen. These people had been driven from their native land in Burma, by the army who runs the country, into Thailand. They live in what the Thai government calls temporary housing. I saw the hunger, poverty, and mistreatment of them yet the Karen showed me acceptance, friendship, and love as we all Xtended our hands in different forms of service.

Going into this trip I knew about the Karen because of Duane Binkley’s missionary work in Thailand. Over the 20 years he served there, he shared the stories of the Karen at my church. So the desire to meet and work with the Karen was already there. Even the church I come from in Northeast Ohio does it’s small part in Xtending their hands with supplies for the refugees that resettled in the area.

The other missions I saw with AIDS affected women and children, along with the sex trade of the world, did not come across as tremendously new information. However, during all these Xposures, I had to Xpand my mind as to why people do the things they do and act the way they act. I thought it strange that my heart to heart with God did not come because of one of the things I saw or missions I wanted to join. Instead it came on what I was told was to be a simple 45 minute hike to a village with a tour guide. As an Xtreme team member I was mentally geared up to go into the unknown. As long as I trusted in God and the leaders on the trip, all would be fine.

When we got in the tour guide’s van, he gave us a list of our activities for the day starting off with a simple short hike to a “Lahu village” set up for tours and then a ride on elephants. We would then break for lunch before going to a “Karen village” and finish off with a bamboo rafting trip. The guide even told us when we would be back at our bed and breakfast lodging. I heard sighs of relief and cries of joy from most of the group because this was our first day with a visible plan. To be honest, I was glad to hear the plan but nervous about the day. You see, I like to be in control and know what is going on. This way I can plan the free time to be filled with other things that I think need to be done. In fact, that is one of the main reasons I applied for this trip - to give away my control. Towards the end of last year I discovered the times I got the most out of life was when the plans I made changed. So I started on that day’s journey knowing the steps and ending time. With the knowledge we all had, we settled in for a day of fun and adventure.

When the van stopped at the opening of the hiking trail, I had a sinking thought that I was going to hike so slowly that the group would be held up again. As people put on their hiking shoes and grabbed water, the tour guide asked if I would stay at the van because the group would be right back. I felt hurt and insulted at his request so I told him I would be fine on the hike. The first part was downhill and a little difficult for me to negotiate. But I reached the valley with no real problem. Listening to the raging water as we walked towards the river, I saw a bamboo and wire bridge. My selective fear of heights and being afraid I would break the bridge because of my size made me stop and think. I told the group I would cross last just in case I broke the bridge. When all but Dave had crossed, he reassured me the bridge would be fine and he would come across after me. So one carefully placed step at a time and by xcersing my faith, I timidly made it to the other side. When I made it back to solid ground, my legs felt very unsecure. In fact, with every step, my legs felt heavier and my knees grew weaker. Being the oldest and probably most stubborn person in the group, I kept pressing on without whimper or complaint. Different members of the group asked me if I was alright throughout the hike and kept encouraging me to rest. Again, I didn’t want to hold the group up more than I already had, so when I reached their resting spot, I walked right through hoping to gain enough ground to gain them time. All the while the look on the guide’s face, was “I told you to wait back at the van”. When I heard him say we were on pace to complete the hike in two hours instead of 45 minutes, I pushed even harder. Some of the people no doubt saw the agony on my face and asked me to stop at a cluster of boulders until they came back. I then got angrier at myself, told them I was fine, and kept walking up the side slope of the mountain. What I haven’t said is that during the whole hike I had been having an internal argument with God, using all the questions I had been asked before I had left home and some new ones of my own. “Why do you want me in Thailand?” “Why would you send me on a trip that I am no use on?” “Why did you put me on a hike I couldn’t complete?” “Why would you send me to a place that the heat and humidity slow my pace more than normal?” All these questions and more were directed to God in my mind. The final question of “Why did you send me to a place I cannot breathe?” snapped me into the reality that walking up that hill, I was suffering something I hadn’t in twelve years - an asthma attack.

Keeping my prideful stubbornness I stopped and told the group that I would wait there for them there. So alone in the jungle of Thailand I sat, attempting to breathe. Hoping the group wouldn’t look down on me for not completing the hike, while also worrying that this would be my final resting place. As I sat there gaining composure and my breath, a gust of wind came through. As I listened to the rustling of leaves and the gentle crackling of bamboo trees rubbing together, I saw a blackbird with a large blue patch on both wings and beautiful long tail feathers. I turned to follow its flight path and had to turn the opposite way to watch the graceful flapping of a yellow, purple, blue, and black butterfly. The butterfly’s path crossed that of an army of busily working ants collecting pieces of plants to take home for the others. All the while the cooling breeze made a symphony out of the jungle plants and trees. As I turned my gaze to look past the line of trees in front of me, I saw a valley below draped by mountains of green on all sides. These sights calmed my breathing enough so that I could hear birds, insects, and the distant sound of an animal walking across the side of the mountain towards me. There was a moment of fear followed by the curiosity of what was coming. I heard four distinctive hooves hitting the ground and as I sat there silently trying to peer through the dense brush I saw the outline of a tapir - a four legged herbivore I worked with at a zoo many years ago. There was also another soothing sound of moving water. I had heard it earlier and had passed it off as the river at the bottom of the valley. After a little more investigation, I found a bubbling spring filled pond just ten feet off the trail. All of us had walked right past it, but God knew just where to stop me.

As an Eagle Scout, nature has always been my realm of peace. Wilderness has always been the place I can see God. So there I am, on the other side of the same world, and God is still there. In fact God has always been there, here, and everywhere. So who was I to question God? So as I left my old self in its final resting place, I headed back to the van. Later that night, when we arrived at the bed and breakfast, I could once again put my focus back where it needed to be. I found the book of Job. In the fortieth chapter when God questions Job about his complaints and questions, I saw many similarities. Then, when Job humbly responded to God in the forty second chapter, I knew that I needed to do the same. My complaints and questions of “Why?” do nothing to honor God, instead it drives a wedge between us. This trip was designed to break us emotionally and spiritually. For me, I was broken when my body gave up on itself and I was ready to quit on it. When God blew his natural world, that I have come to know his love in, directly in my face, I cried because of my shame of questioning God in the never-ending love and protection I have been given. This moment of the trip was all my very own, and until now, I wanted to keep it that way. God refused to let me forget our conversation and has challenged me to show my weaknesses. I came here to give up my control and so I have. Now I feel charged to encourage everyone I meet to do the same. I know that the plans for my life and Xpectations about the trip pale in comparison to what God has in store for me. All I need to do is to let go of the control I think I have while Xamining my priorities and commitments. Also stop questioning God’s plan and rely on his love because His way is best. God wants to use us all no matter what our strengths and weaknesses are, as long as we lay down our prideful self and be led by God. There is no reason to fear letting people down as long as you mindfully listen to God in all the ways he speaks. I know that I would have stayed back at the van like the guide asked if I would have learned this lesson before the trip. Then again, learning this lesson answers everyone’s question of “Why?” To truly live for God and let him lead you or hold you where you are is the greatest way to live.